Resentment is Self-inflicted

If you are anything like me you’ll understand what it is like to let bitterness fester in your heart for no justifiable reason. I am an introvert by nature and I tend to internalise my emotions. If I walk away from a situation of un-resolved conflict or if I felt hurt by someone, I would juggle certain thoughts in my head until it becomes a complete bitter chaos. This often happens when I am left alone for long periods of time, as those are the times that I switch into deep thought, but I also need these times to gain energy as I am an introvert. I need time to let my thoughts process in order to find a proper resolution.

I know some people that can let their frustrations out by swearing, physically beating something or reactively confronting (I call them “reactive” people). These things do nothing for me. I have a need to find a logical solution to help me come to terms with my thoughts. I used to be of quite a reactive nature when I was younger (I used to get rather violent at primary school) but I have now become surprisingly internalised and would dare not react to hardly anything anymore. I wouldn’t hurt a flea. There is definitely a necessity for my mind to process the conflicting thoughts in my head. If I react before I come to terms with where I stand, the outcome would be very messy, the few people that know me very well would know this.

All my life I have admired the people that can somehow swallow their pride, turn the other cheek and overcome the most unjust situations without any sign of resentment. My parents have been tremendous roll models when it comes to humility, servant hood and strength. I couldn’t ask for a more compassionate and joyful mother, or a father more loyal, more capable of bringing justice in the most merciful way. I have seen the glory of God shine through the way they love others, a love never forced or pretended. Jesus was the most selfless person who ever lived, and he’s supposed to be living in me… something quite unbelievable knowing how self-centred I can be. The truth is despite my great up bringing and my admiration for Jesus, I am still human, still caught up in the sinful desires that humans have.

I have let myself resent the people that never deserved it, simply because I am still not in complete control of my emotions. I feel hurt by many things, many people, but I also hurt others too…I’m sure. I think the only way I can bring a healthy conclusion to the resentful thoughts in my head about others is to start looking at them in the way God might see them. I think every person in the world is beautiful in God’s eyes, no matter how corrupt they are, because he sees them through Jesus. If we want to see a change take place in our thinking we need to make that choice. As we choose to follow Jesus we must also choose to not be bitter. I think we are fully capable of falling away from salvation through our own choices. If not, what is free will? Resentment is self-inflicted and must be self-resolved. No one else will do that for you. Change takes place through our own choice. Everyday I need to make a decision between these two choices, Jesus or me.